Indian Chicks Are Liars

Hot women can be found all over the world, which is great when you're a suave, sexy globetrotter like me. Unfortunately, some of them are kind of insane. Bollywood star Neetu Chandra did a photoshoot with another girl for the Indian magazine, The Man. Now everyone is calling her a lesbian, which she hates so much she became derogatory.

"If there is even an iota of doubt in anyone's mind, let me make it clear once and for all that I am not a lesbo," she said. "We aren't even touching each other's body." (The Times of India)

Um, unlike your sexy face, pictures don't lie. You're clearly all over her. Because of this, I'm assuming you haven't ever told the truth. Yep, you're a full on "lesbo" all right, or at least you are right here, *tapping forhead*. Mmmhmm.



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Teri Hatcher in a bikini

Here's Teri Hatcher swimming in Miami and, Jesus Mother of God, I forgot how awesome those things are. It's sort of like finding your favorite blanket you loved as a kid except it's Terri Hatcher's breasts. Also, you didn't have to kidney punch your nephew who wasn't even using it, mom.


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Christina Aguilera still has giant breasts

Christina Aguilera performed for The Tonight Show last night and her breasts are still awesome which is extremely comforting to this writer. Sort of like when I was a small child and thought there was a monster under my bed until my dad would come in and say it's just his girlfriend hiding from my mom so I should shut up or he'll stab Santa Claus. Ha ha, dads.


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Kim Kardashian's bikini butt

Apparently, some hero out there took my advice and finally snapped a picture of Kim Kardashian's ass in a bikini. I had no idea I had that kind of control over people, so that being said, bring me Mila Kunis and a ham sandwich, puppets! Oh, yeah, and spicy brown mustard. Spicy!


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Miley Cyrus in a bikini

Here's Miley Cyrus in the Bahamas, and before everyone freaks out, it's not like she's going all Heidi Montag on us. Not that that will stop Billy Ray Cyrus from hunting me down with a coonskin cap and a knife between his tee- Wait. *sniff sniff* Does anyone else smell Budweiser and mullet wax? Sonofabitch!


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Hayden Panettiere continues banging Hollywood

Here's Hayden Panettiere leaving Nobu last night where she hopped into a car with 30-year-old Welsh actor Steve Jones.



I don't really know who or what a Steve Jones is, but for anyone out there still pining for Hayden, she's basically banging anyone with an accent or old enough to remember that episode of ThunderCats when Snarf drove the tank. Fortunately, I fall into both categories. Mates.


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Leighton Meester in a bikini

Here's Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester at a Los Angeles beach, and I'd like to personally thank the paparazzo responsible for these photos.



Kudos to you, sir. Your keen skills deftly adapted to Leighton's retarded boob curtain by going straight for a plethora of butt shots. Otherwise, this shoot would've rapidly become, dare I say, Lauren Conrad-esque? Then may God have mercy on us all....


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Jessica Simpson should never do this again

Here's Jessica Simpson performing in San Antonio last night, and who the hell is her choreographer? There's no nudity, so it can't be Joe Simpson.



But whoever it is, the only stage direction they seem to be giving is "Make sure you look 10-15 pounds heavier, and if you could flash a little gut, icing on the cake."



Then again, that conversation could turn ugly once it's revealed the cake is metaphorical. If there's one thing Jessica Simpson hates, it's metaphorical food. And dieting.


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